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kimmie742

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.... [Jul. 19th, 2010|01:04 am]
kimmie742
[Current Location |Wisconsin]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |The House That Built Me]

 It has been a while since I have posted in here. Was thinking of getting rid of it, but I guess I just cannot do that. Can't sleep, what else is new. I think that this is the longest I cannot sleep in a long while. Not even sure why this time. I should be the happiest kid ever, having just turned 22 a week ago and things have seemed to be looking up. But there is just something missing. I am not sure of a lot of things any more. Life is life and it seems that it gets harder with each day passing. I am not saying that I am depressed in any way cuz I really am not. Just have been thinking about a lot of things and looking through some of my life. 

Boys: what can I say about them. I have decided that dating is over rated and a person should just propose. Seems like that is the only way will ever have someone to love me. Complicated relationships define my life and I cannot seem to get away from them. There have been the almost maybes and the "I like you, but right now I am looking for friendships" and the one that still gets me the, "I thought I liked you, but God has given my heart to my ex and after 6 months I have figured this out." Relationships, why do they have to be so complicated? Why can't it be like, boy meets girl, boy likes girl and asks her out? Cuz at least then I will know where I stand. With all of these bad relationships I feel like there is something wrong with me, that I will never find that person for me. I mean yes, I am only 22, but Idk I guess I am just ready to settle down. But I know that will probably never happen.

How did I let things with Chevy get to be so complicated? There were tiny feelings, but I can never see myself with him in the long run. And I accidently let that slip and he took it to be way more then it should and we have not talked in almost 1 month. I have tried to talk to him about all of this, but there is nothing. But I guess I deserve his silence, I have hurt him more than anyone should. 

Adam, well what can I say about him. I have feelings for him, but I know that they are just premature and that I have to do something about all of this before it gets way to complicated. Wait it has already gotten to that point. But right now I have got a system worked out and I am getting rid of his temptation and him because I don't need him in my life. And it seems to be going good as of right now. 

My life as of right now, well things are going well, but I guess things have really been keeping me up at night and that is a bummer. Also there is a slight belief that one I am going to be alone forever and two I hurt everyone that I care about and push them away. I need to get out of this rut like soon, because it is really not a good one. Who knows maybe tomorrow will be different.
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Revamping [May. 30th, 2010|12:16 am]
kimmie742
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |Bad Romance- Glee Cast]

I have often wondered when things will actually stop. Not saying that I want them to stop in anyway, but maybe just slow down a bit. There is this song in which I love listening to and it talks about writing everything down, trying to make sense of it and getting it down before you go insane. Some how that is how my life is like these days. Even if it is just a few sentences; I just need to get things down to try and make sense of the things in my life. Cuz maybe if I understood them then maybe I could do something about it. I try to be this picture perfect person when I know that it is just a show; just a mask in which I put on to make life seem so much easier then it actually is. I am in the midst of a self discovery adventure that I know is going to be hard and maybe at times down right scary. But right now I think I need to do this. And as much as I want to talk myself out of this, this time I am not going to do that cuz I know myself and right now I am not the person that I want to be or I should be. I see myself I and I don't like what I see, I don't like what I am doing, and I just down right hate this person. I don't know how I let myself get this far down and right now everything is just so clouded and confusing. Nothing seems right, right now and that is one scary fact. I pray that I can get through this and that everything will be good with the money thing with getting back to LU for the fall and my last semester. I have been looking back on this semester and this school year and I have done my stuff of stupid things I am surprised God still loves me. I think the only thing that makes sense right now is Zach and even that I am a little confused on, but I understand it more then the other things. I am going through this book and it really is bringing out a lot of questions in which I have been avoiding, but now I cannot avoid them I have to face them head on. But I think I am going to do some reading and get to bed I gotta be up early for church in the morning. 
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GRRR.... [May. 18th, 2010|10:25 pm]
kimmie742
Have you ever just thought that there was a time for everything and that you were just not meant to be where you were at a certain time and place. I don't know there is just so much on my mind right now that I just try to take things a day at a time. I don' t know how I am going to pay for next semester and that is something that is really getting me down lately. My mom doesn't even want to talk about it, but the deadline is coming up soon and I need to figure out how I am going to pay for it. But more on all of this later there is something that I want to watch and catch up on. 
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No Sleep [Apr. 29th, 2010|03:42 am]
kimmie742
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Dorm 13-2 (215)]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

3:18am and I am wide awake. Tired sleeping, but well it is not working... Not really sure why, just can't sleep. Well there is a light on in my room and I can't sleep with that on and even with that off I am not sure if I could sleep. There is so much I could say right now, but I know that everything would probably be a lie or I am just too tired to even process things right now. Got to see my favorite band on Monday night that pretty much made my life. There songs have been what has been keeping me sane these past few weeks. They have such powerful meanings behind their lyrics and they have been really helpful to me right now in my life. But the memory of seeing them will last me a life time and I am hoping that I will be able to see them again because The Fray is pretty much the best ever. And to those who say that every song sounds the same you are dead wrong and you have to be a really big fan in order to know that they are all different. These past few days have been really good even though I have been really tired God has gotten me through the day. And even though I am not able to sleep at night God has really given me the strength to get through the day and that is the best thing ever. But I guess that is better then nothing right now, because I could be not making it through the days. It is funny how God works, I mean really, have you really ever thought about it. Now maybe I have really put too much thought into this, but God really does work in funny ways. I mean once you do something He puts something else in its place. Now I am not complaining because right now I have nothing to complain about. But it is funny just how He works and just how far He will push you until you actually give in and do what He wants. Ever try running with an elastic rope tied around you, well that is what it is like with God. You really cannot run from Him it is near IMPOSSIBLE He will always find a way to get you back in His arms. I mean that in itself reminds me of His love for me, even though there are times when I really don't think that He does love me and then this happens and that I am like well why did I even doubt that He loved me. IDK this is just ramblings of a person who has not had a lot of sleep in a few days and will not be getting much more in days to come. But it is almost 4am and I should try and get some sleep... KEY WORD THERE IS TRY!
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Little Moments [Apr. 8th, 2010|11:43 am]
kimmie742
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Applied Science Hall]
[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |None]

 There are little moments in life that make you think about everything in your life. Little moments, the small hug that encourages you to go on with the day that you have been having, a clean room after a long hard day, a little note on the mirror that makes your day so much better. It is the little things in life that make the days seem less of a struggle. Now I have had a horrible week and it is the little things that have been getting me through the mass of stuff that I have going through my head and the things that are making my life hell. It seems that things are just going out of control and I am just not able to keep up with everything. The walls are caving in and all I can do is just watch the walls fall. I have hit rock bottom before and actually have gotten past that part, but it was not like that. I don't even know how I let my life get this far gone. This person that sits here writing this is not the same person who has written the last few. It is crazy just how much a person can change with the circumstances that happen in life. The things that you do in life do change you whether it is for the better or for the worse. And the things in my life have changed me for the worse. I am slowly getting back on track, but it really is my stuff, as much as people want to help out, I ultimately have to deal with this on my own. These past couple of weeks have been extremely hard for me, it has been an emotional roller coaster and all I can do is hang on for the ride. There are days like today when I think, If I disappear will anyone really notice, or am I just a person that can be easily forgot. Did I actually do something worthy in my life that someone will be like, "Hey where is Kimmie, why have I not seen her in awhile." Have I made a difference in someone's life or am I just living a dull boring life? On days like these past couple of weeks have really got me thinking about just this. But it really is the little things in life that have really gotten through these really dark days.

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Harder and Harder to Breathe [Mar. 29th, 2010|09:58 pm]
kimmie742
[Current Music |Harder to Breathe- Maroon 5]

 Ever just want to breathe and not have to gasp for air. Well that is what I feel right now. I am so angry and I just want so bad to just stop fighting everything in my life. I want to lay in my bed covers up to my ears and just hide for a while. But that is not going to happen because God does not want me to hide from the things in my life. Even though I really really want to. I really just want to be numb to everything right now. MY LIFE.... I pretty much hate it right now.
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In the Middle [Mar. 28th, 2010|08:08 pm]
kimmie742
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]
[Current Music |Here Comes Goodbye- Rascal Flatts]

 I sit here and wonder if this is all that I am here for. There is a lot of things going on in my life, things that I can't even write in here. And it just makes me wonder whether or not I have made a mark in this world or if I am just living a life that is not going to do something in this world. Lately I have been just wanting to be a lone in my own little world and not be around people just hide from everyone around me. Everything seems to be crashing in around me and I am just unable to to do anything about it. It is times like these that I wonder if my life was worth something or if I ever did anything to make someone's life better. I just wonder if there is one person who thinks of me, a person that wants to be with me until death. I feel like I am destined to be alone and that is something that is depressing but I am thinking that it is true. It seems like that is the way that it is going to go. Like I said I am going through a lot right now and it is something that I have to deal with on my own and something that I cannot put up on here.
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Having the time of my life [Mar. 15th, 2010|07:47 pm]
kimmie742
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Dorm 13-2 (215)]
[Current Mood |lovedloved]
[Current Music |Low- Flo Rida]

 Boys can't live with them, can't live without them. I really thought that things were going to be different this time. But I am making the same decisions as the last time. But this time I am doing it with the different mindset. I know what everyone is going to say. And that being I am stupid for giving everything another chance. But in all honesty I am happy and I am comfortable in his arms and he really does help me through some things and that is what I want right now. And it could turn out that it doesn't work out and that is ok with me. All I want right now is to see where things go again. 

Spring Break= amazing! I am having the time of my life. Everything seems to working in my favor and I am really loving it. So many stories to little time to write them in. 4 movies in 3 days and going to see another tonight. Having night strolls back to campus and amazing girls on the hall. I love them so much. By far the best break of my college career.
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Father, I am free in you! [Mar. 2nd, 2010|12:05 am]
kimmie742
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Dorm 13-2 (215)]

 So last night I actually did some writing, for the first time in years. It was pretty amazing, all of these ideas kept running through my head. And all I could do was sit down and write them. This one pretty much sums up my heart right now. And I think that I am going to share in on here and say a few things and that will be all. 

Beat up and broken down
I need you more than ever
I can't walk through the day
without being cast out, laughed at, or had my heart broken

Yet even though my world is
shaken, broken, hurt, you still remain
You are my strength and fortress
a steady place where I can run
when my world comes crashing down

You took my life, Father, and made in new
You do not cast me out for the things I have done
You don't laugh at me for anything that I have done
You will never break my heart, for your love for me
is stronger than anything I can imagine

I am free in you
I am free in you
Father, I am free in you
You turn the broken into new
You turn the weak into the strong

Father, I am free in you
I am free in you
You heal my broken heart
Father, you took my broken life
my life that was crashing in around me
and made in new

Father, you are my strength and fortress
a steady place I can run to when my 
world is crashing in around me
Father, I am free in you!

That is pretty much my life summed up. I think maybe tomorrow I will vent on here, but for tonight I am just going to leave you with that. I hope y'all enjoyed it.
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I HATE BEING A GIRL!! [Feb. 25th, 2010|04:13 am]
kimmie742
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |dorm 13-2 (215)]
[Current Mood |angryangry]

 People right now, what is it with them. It is 4 am and I am up. I am tired, yet I can't sleep because I am angry. There comes a point in time when someone asks you to be quiet that you are. Not continue to be loud and hope they fall asleep. I am not one to get angry at things like this, but with everything in my life right now the little things are bugging me. I am PMSing right now and it is worse then it usually is and that is mostly just the combination of everything in my life. Does anyone really care about what is going on or are they too sucked into their own lives to actually care? I like to observe people and it amazes me what a person can tell from just observing a person. Right now in my life I feel like everyone around me is running it and I am just sick of fighting. I don't want to fight people right now, for one I know that I will say something stupid and things will be blown up and I really just don't want to fight. I am not an angry person and it really does take a lot for me to get angry and even then I am really not angry. There are only 3 people who have really seen me angry. I don't even know what you would call what I get. But I am not an angry person and I am not mean, I can be mean, but I choose not to. Things right now are crazy and since I am PMSing and everything it is just a combination of everything and I am just cracking under it. I even had a break down tonight and that really does not happen often. Can I just say one thing, I HATE BEING A GIRL! And leave it at that, it is 4:11 am and I should try and get some sleep tonight....
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